TulsaPeople 01-2014 : Page 32

At Large FRIEDMAN by BARRY touring ” is a national d a Comic ” of “Ro It, Friedman y r Bar Mention rs to the author comedian, You Should who refe one unny F “ any erson. and ust third p esn’t tr and do rself in the he him or Overheard An OSU alum muses about T. Boone Pickens and his beloved alma mater: “Look, I don ’t like him or his politics — I just want his money .” Overheard, Part really a 24-hour 2 “Tulsa isn’t like an 18-hour city; it’s more city.” er-The Spor with State Univ lahoma e a quesadilla over. lik Ok ou the y ’s into Would mayor? It program: your new up. sity football ash w all job, tchet -ha Now we can eli ugly A) Was a cent of per 20 accurate, -the Well, we be t as an voted W land coun who ac B) he T ers vot … ry-picked) er you’re business gible Tulsa if cher nev In the (albeit rand, especially up. The others e’s no desire to reach long to is g y that gets can wash a school’s , so ther compan ty of dir gas the NCAA, it (and an oil and got their hands , we keep hear-echelon of drill through rates that is upper tally politics on iz All the cancer to hor reason. lowest tax ’d think Tulsa iate the Exposed you of C) so , colleg enjoy some Sylvia through ing, are local Grandma ersing v a as tr , tion). na in the voters could es” and get athletics, or ch themselv said, “scrat above. y. O … te . D) All of the -sta In weather to the polls to nonpar ms hit the or st (Hint: D .) Severe, deadly oving Mother Na-So, what happened wey Bartlett , pr year tions? De past elec this tisan Santorum Double oy! ’d about something Sen. Rick politics … e is still PO echanics In rump tur M T brings in usual dyspeptic , Popular Dew, Donald the from the you side and proving mined A er (and what, thing these parts det t e have in and nex t when it w -righ lahoma opia as busy?) abor st w Ok Arrow) as dy w about , between e (R-Broken re talking . Mike Ritz I-44 corridor is the seventh most Kathy ep w know we’ R ho aftermarket guns and firearms an or-City and Tulsa, e to live in the ed to tions and vit in ul to the plac e sent money — gasp turer MagP comes to dangerous hurricanes Taylor onc ts the manufac than suppor er that when it ted world. (Saf but tougher ganization te, because all we wan sta ayman, C e’re short. -when lahoma, w in Grand aste. It icken Min w Ok — women, in t-str reen g guns ough dr was than the to talk about t where I thought 2012. ty, China). poin oun t C the as a lot like star to quin talking — got all, 2013 w tes would we’re still in t All -poin candida ec eff At this trucks. one of the wait! ing — about other … Oh, But with food t’s right, talk . new tha our stalking the we hope shelters to tive storm In conclusion, genuflecting Barry does know we can’t ops st with ’re you t, enough old mayor , ea GOP (Gr … Garth do neon, right? ’t tour, t to fix In music the national . Tour, don e. You wan meme just , we? Oh, the Hamlet against Obamacar and, once again, with Trisha ted, shall books star w?) I no e: cook get -e not ’s eets it endi wr Let , big, bold, the str . (Side decent, non-inc your mind do: a special lahoma e eet up the w -Sw e ical or or make omes bef het bec Russell ’s “Home state to the Ok tically-and-r want Leon we know neon ary, gramma be the new to civic leader ” Oklahoma ly-challenged love, and our old old . sometimes anger song.) str and a ’t become mayor doesn , has to at, Ms. Taylor emocr for D Some Bridenstine run against ight as well be you. t. M Coburn ’s sea In sports choice. y multiple … Let’s pla exposé ts Illustrated state Around the  32 TulsaPeople JANUARY 2014

Barry Friedman

Barry Friedman

Would you like a quesadilla with your new mayor? It’s over. Now we can all wash up.<br /> <br /> Well, the 20 percent of eligible Tulsa voters who voted can wash up. The others never got their hands dirty, so there’s no reason. All politics, we keep hearing, are local, so you’d think Tulsa voters could, as Grandma Sylvia said, “scratch themselves” and get to the polls.<br /> <br /> So, what happened to nonpartisan elections? Dewey Bartlett brings in Sen. Rick Santorum (and what, Dew, Donald Trump was busy?) and next thing you know we’re talking about abortions and guns and how Kathy Taylor once sent money to an organization that supports — gasp — women, when all we wanted to talk about was green waste. It got to the point where I thought one of the candidates would start stalking the other …Oh, wait!<br /> <br /> In conclusion, we hope our new old mayor stops genuflecting to the national GOP (Great, you’re against Obamacare. You want to fix the streets now?) and, once again, becomes the decent, non-incendiary, grammatically-and-rhetorically-challenged civic leader we know and sometimes love, and our old old mayor doesn’t become a stranger. Some Democrat, Ms. Taylor, has to run against Bridenstine for <br /> Coburn’s seat. Might as well be you.<br /> <br /> Around the state<br /> In business … The land we belong to is grand, especially if you’re an oil and gas company that gets to horizontally drill through it (and enjoy some of the lowest tax rates in the nation).<br /> <br /> In weather … Oy. <br /> Severe, deadly storms hit the state this past year, proving Mother Nature is still PO’d about something and proving Popular Mechanics was right when it determined the I-44 corridor, between Oklahoma City and Tulsa, is the seventh most dangerous place to live in the world. (Safer than the hurricanes in Grand Cayman, but tougher than the drought-stricken Minquin County, China). <br /> At this point we’re still talking — that’s right, talking — about effective storm shelters.<br /> <br /> In music … Garth, enough with the Hamlet meme. Tour, don’t tour, write cookbooks with Trisha, just make up your mind. (Side note: I want Leon Russell’s “Home Sweet Oklahoma” to be the new state song.)<br /> <br /> In sports … Let’s play multiple choice.<br /> The Sports Illustrated exposé into the Oklahoma State University football program:<br /> A) Was a hatchet job, <br /> B) Was an accurate, ugly <br /> (albeit cherry-picked) account of a school’s desire to reach the <br /> upper echelon of the NCAA,<br /> C) Exposed the cancer that is traversing through collegiate athletics, or <br /> D) All of the above.<br /> (Hint: D.)<br /> <br /> In politics … Double oy!<br /> Aside from the usual dyspeptic dystopia we have in these parts, Rep. Mike Ritze (R-Broken Arrow) <br /> invited firearms aftermarket <br /> manufacturer MagPul to the <br /> state, because when it comes to guns in Oklahoma, we’re short.<br /> <br /> All in all, 2013 was a lot like 2012. <br /> But with food trucks. <br /> <br /> Let’s get started, shall we? Oh, before we do: a special, big, bold, neon up arrow to the Oklahoma Supreme Court for preventing the state from sliding head first, holding a transvaginal probe, a flag pin and a commemorative Ten Commandments statue, into the fourth century.<br /> <br /> At Large’s bottom 100 (100 being the worst)<br /> 3. My trash guy … How difficult is this? There are two bags inside. Why is there always one left after you leave? <br /> 83. State Insurance Commissioner John Doak … for not issuing one statement this year that didn’t have us thinking, “Oh, for the love of…”<br /> <br /> With apologies to Pink Floyd “Hey! Barresi! Leave those schools alone.”<br /> <br /> It’s the end of the world as we know it. (No, really. Start hoarding legumes and cans of salmon.) <br /> Miley Cyrus will perform at the BOK <br /> Center on March 13, 2014.<br /> <br /> Rule 51 Children may no longer shill for their parents’ car dealerships.<br /> <br /> Rule 43 No more sandwiches on pretzel buns. <br /> <br /> Fifth annual <br /> Bad Penny Awards <br /> A penny for your thoughts? No, no, no, not that penny.<br /> “A bad penny always returns.” <br /> — Grandma Sylvia <br /> <br /> The “Missed it by that much” Award … Second District Congressman Markwayne Mullin, who said, “This country isn’t ran (sic) by just one individual, it’s ran (sic) by four branches, but three branches that are in control of this.”<br /> So, let’s see, 3 + 4 + 1. I got … really bad subject-verb agreement.<br /> <br /> The “Fact that he actually had one is the real story here” Award … The doctors at St. John Medical Center who found a blockage in Sen. Jim Inhofe’s heart during his routine colonoscopy exam. <br /> <br /> The worst characterization of a Native American from Oklahoma who just wanted to raise his daughter … Associate Justice of the Supreme Court Samuel Alito, who said of Dusten Brown, “Under the state <br /> Supreme Court’s reading, a biological Indian father could abandon his child in utero and refuse any support for the birth mother … and then could play his ICWA trump card at the 11th hour to override the mother’s decision and the child’s best interests.” <br /> <br /> Play his ICWA trump card … nice, huh? <br /> <br /> (Runner-up for “Worst characterization of a Native American”: Union Public Schools for its insistence on keeping the mascot name “Redskins.”)<br /> <br /> The “I know it would have helped 150,000 Oklahomans, but there were three or four right-wing radio talkshow guys and others who frequent websites that feature large American flags who would have yelled at me” Award … Gov. Mary Fallin for turning down between $300 million and $500 million in federal money and refusing to set up state health exchanges. <br /> <br /> The “Which got her precisely 19 <br /> additional votes” Award … Defeated mayoral candidate Bill Christiansen, who endorsed former Mayor Kathy Taylor.<br /> <br /> The “Don Quixote minus the sword but with a much bigger windmill” Award … Democratic Senatorial candidate and Tulsan Matt Silverstein for his decry of the government shutdown.<br /> <br /> The “Here’s your copy of the 21st Amendment, which rescinded Prohibition, ushering in many, many bars throughout the land at which you can drink” Award … The man in <br /> Edmond whose homemade still blew up in his garage.<br /> <br /> The Worstest Bad Penny of 2013 … Terry Simonson for writing, among other black-hearted, ignorant gems: “If the gangs want to kill each other, we certainly don’t want to stop them.”<br /> <br /> Simonson is presently studying for his written exam, which will allow him, albeit provisionally, to return to the human race. <br /> <br /> 2014 Predictions<br /> Bitching about trash service continues. Rates go up. Bitching increases. Trash rates go down. Pre-trash rate bitching resumes.<br /> <br /> By June, Victoria Bartlett posts 1,238 snarky status updates about Bill Lobeck and is banned from Facebook.<br /> <br /> During the Sept. 27, 2014, game against Texas State, University of Tulsa President Steadman Upham will look around at the 9,500 or so fans at H.A. Chapman Stadium, quickly do the math on how much it costs the university to play Division 1 football and how much it is losing, and think, “This is nuts.”<br /> <br /> The bridge at I-44 and Lewis will be completed, but by then every business just south of East 51st Street will have declared bankruptcy. <br /> <br /> Congressman Jim Bridenstine is re-elected, promising to fight Obamacare until “the cows come home.”<br /> <br /> Congressman Markwayne Mullin is re-elected, promising to fight Obamacare come “hell or high water.”<br /> <br /> An undercover investigation reveals the Tulsa World’s Jay Cronley to be a promoter of dog fights.<br /> Tulsa will be ranked No. 1 in a national survey of cities that care about national surveys<br /> <br /> The cows come home, and they’re wet. <br />

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